5 ways to ruin your weekend on a Friday evening.

1) Drink 6 beers and tell everyone in the office that your co-worker's cleavage has been distracting you all day.

2) Go to a house party and have a "friendly fight" with a gung-ho Royal Marine. Lose.

3) Get shizballs lost and roam the Underground network sleeping on  benches getting further and further from your Zone 6 home.

4) Phone your ex-girlfriend and ask to stay over because her flat is the one place you might be able to find - She tells you she has some next man over.

5) Get to your Care-Home around mid-day, after getting stuck in a traffic jam on a bus. Balls trying to hibernate within the gooch. Cold as shit. Fill your hot water bottle and sing at the top of your lungs because nobody is listening.

6) Speak to Norman Portell laughing like a suicidal bastard. Write this clap on your mobile because you aint got no other internet.

7) Drink the Holy Water?